Thursday, February 2, 2012

Honest Confessions

I realize that I have recently only been putting up blogs about stats and such and not really talking about what I am going through in the process.

I have always had "junk in my trunk". Seriously, I went from children's sizes straight to a size 10. I have never wore a single digit in a pair of pants since 5th grade. I spent most of my adolescent and early 20's in about size 16, there were times in college I got up to a size 20 but I got back down fast. Since about 25 (this was also the year I started teaching) I have been wearing a size 20 or 22. I ran a freaking half marathon at 22  years old (a month before I graduated college) at 206 lbs and I finished in about 2 and 1/2 hours so I have been a runner still wearing size 18 pants. I ran a triathlon at 25 weighing about 198. But since about my sophomore year of college I have been 200 plus.

But through this process I would like to see what life is like in the single digits. I have always watched my weight you had to as a girl with a big butt. I have always been the girl with pretty hair and a pretty face but I want to be the girl that has the pretty body too.

I know that all of this sounds vain but it really is something that has been with me for my entire life. There is a time at church when I was in 2nd grade and I remember Sophia calling me fat. I have been embarrassed at many family functions when someone, ie.. Grandmother or mother who have made a comment about my weight. Not knowing how much it effected me, but this is my side note --- Women what we say to our nieces, daughters, granddaughter matter, it sticks with them, they learn a lot about themselves in how you treat them and how you treat yourself---- . In my heart, I fear that people see me as a slob who cannot control herself.
I know who I am in Christ. That has always been my saving grace. Christ calls me his daughter and no one can take that away from me. But sometime this battle I have with my weight seems to control every aspect of my life.

The most hurtful experience for me was when I applied to be a journeyman (for those who do not know that is a person after college who goes and spends 2 years over seas as a missionary for the International Mission Board). This was October before I was about to graduate in December. I wanted to go to Africa back to wear I had just spent the summer and live with that people group and learn from them and teach them what I know too. This was my heart. When I went to the conference. I was told I weighed too much to go overseas.( I was about 210 lbs but I was training for my half marathon in a month and was in fantastic health)  I was told I was too obese to go overseas. That my BMI was too high. They told me if they had used their old system which was measuring my waist, I would have passed because it needed to be under 35 inches which my waist has always been small and under 35 inches. But to be told you are too fat to go overseas does a lot for your worth in Christ. But I don't blame the IMB God had some great plans for me in my life that have come to pass and they are amazing. I spent time in Hawaii working for the NAMB and travelled. I met my husband <3 and found my calling in life, teaching. But that has really hurt me.

I am sorry there is no real point to this blog but is a part of my battle I am fighting. It is not just about the flesh it is also a mental war I am battling.


  1. I know exactly what you mean. I can remember the Christmas when I was about 12 or 13 and my step grandpa told me I had really put on the pounds. That stuck with me for a long time and I held on to a resentment towards him that I couldn't let go of. I try and be very careful with my own girls in how I approach the topic of weight and the effect that choices now will effect them later.

  2. There is nothing wrong with wanting a body to match the face, hair and inside! :)

    I was also ridiculed, pointed at, poked, prodded, and humiliated...and that was JUST family. Terrible that we are so critical.

    This loss is at least 80% mental, there is no way around the painful part of dealing with it. So this is a great post! Keep on working it out!