wow I am not sure where to begin with this post. First off I have gained 4 lbs this week. It may just be my period or it may be the fact that I have had a hard time controlling my emotional eating since Saturday.
Yesterday I ate close to 2000 calories, I did not do C25k but I did get to the gym and I beat my previous mph record I was going for. I went about 14 mph, I usually do about 12 mph. But I am have not been sleeping well since Saturday so I am so exhausted.
I have had a short fuse with the students this week. I have yelled twice already and I usually never yell but my patience has seemed to run out and kids seem to challenge more this week.
So to the major point of this blog, is what has been keeping me up at night. It is what has spun my emotional eating out of control and it has been the center of some major tension with my husband and I... its my mother.
Now I feel i must give some background on her so you understand where I am coming from. I am the youngest of 3 on her side. My parents divorced when I was 5 and I never remember living with my dad. When I was 13 my sister moved in with my dad and left me and my mom alone. This broke my mom more than the divorce did. My mom still to this day is in love with my father, who has never really had and feelings toward my mom. They got married bc she was pregnant and stayed together for 12 more years enough time to have 2 more kids.
My mom became completely dependent upon me when I was just a child. She admits to this. I said something recently about being independent from a young age (13) and she said well you did not know how dependent I was upon you and I responded to her that yes I was aware and that it was not ok to put on me everything you put on me as a child. I really had to fend for myself. She was emotionally unavailable.
To say the least our relationship is totally strained. She still relies on me for so much but I resent it sooooo much. She is financially unstable. In the middle of a foreclosure with her home and wont rent a place because she has so many animals she cannot afford a pet deposit.
Fast forward to Saturday. My mom is notorious for giving terrible gifts. At Christmas she got my husband and I a mattress pad, so that we can give her grandchildren... Yep that is what she announced at a joint family Christmas in front of both of my families. She gave my husband and I the ugliest, western end tables I have ever seen. So I tried being polite... I said thanks mom they are nice. But she kept pressing me, put them in the living room. Move your other tables, Put them here, So I did and I said I don't think they are my style. Then she laughs at me and tells me that this is my style and that I was being ungrateful. They were soooo terrible. At that point I stopped being nice and just said that they are not my style and that I do not like them.
Then she told my husband that when he and I first started dating I told her that I liked him but that he was so short I could not wear heels when we went out. First of all it is a lie I have never said that to anyone. Plus I never wore heels to begin with so it doesn't even make since that I would say something like that. I felt completely mortified for my husband.
Then about 10 minutes later she told my husband that if he grew his hair out on one side he can have a nice comb over like Donald Trump.
So yep I was pissed. Not only did she put lies in my mouth then she embarrassed my husband and picked on his two major insecurities.
Needless to say when I called her on it is has been a long dramatic thing, that has resulted in my loss of sleep and picking fights with my husband and overeating.
Sorry when I sat down to write this blog I wanted to talk about my emotional eating tied to my relationship with my mother and I was not going to get into my latest battle with her but I think i just needed to get my perspective out there.
Looking back at my battle with my weight it all started about 13 years old. It all started when my mother became emotionally unavailable.
The craziest thing is that I really resent my mother. And more than anything I really do not want to be like her but the definition of my mother is emotional eating and that is the one thing that I really struggle with. When my parents split she gained 100 lbs and has never got that weight off. I think she got up to 400 lbs but she is back to around 300lbs.
She tells me often that she was not as big as me when she was my age and its like she just wants me to be bigger than her. But I can't. I won't be. I do not want to be her.
I hate this.
I hate that I really don't like my mom.
I wish more than anything for a healthy functional relationship with my mother. But it can't happen until she is healthy.
I am so afraid of having children. I do not want to do what my mother has done to me. I want to be healthy emotionally and weight wise for my children.